I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
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[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?