Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

Who says great literature is dead?

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.