I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and itās cloudy outside.
š¶ Aināt no sunshine when cheese gone.
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Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two billsā¦one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didnāt realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Wife: Donāt use that Band-Aid. Itās expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes wonāt fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, iāve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
I donāt think youāre a bad person. I just think youāre immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[spelling bee]
Your word is āimpossibleā
āOh, well I guess no point in tryingā
*walks off stage*
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
āWill you make something for the bake sale?ā The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
āOh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,ā I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: āAnd that time it wasnāt even on purpose.ā
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I havenāt weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so thatās a stupid name
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so itās kinda like dating.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if youāre scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. Itās been a guiding principle of my adult life.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think Iāve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didnāt disappoint.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I donāt have iPhone. 2) I donāt have a girlfriend.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks heās being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didnāt come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?