I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and itâs cloudy outside.
đ¶ Ainât no sunshine when cheese gone.
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Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didnât do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters Iâd been hiding.
She said, sheâs never playing Scrabble with me again.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: itâs a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Iâve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery storeâŠwtf
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, Iâll murder him.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, thatâs bullshit
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Itâs funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor âto clear my headâ or âso I can think straight,â like that isnât the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because theyâre embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
A pet hedgehog. Because you donât have enough pricks in your life.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while Iâm in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No theyâre all wood
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Every time I buy vegetables itâs a triumph of hope over experience.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think Iâm going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The perfect introvertâs party cake doesnât exisâŠ
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper âyes, please donât stopâ because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didnât wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought âwait a minute, he works here?!â
Turns out, heâs the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two đ
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
HUSBAND: Weâre meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I texted someone âhell yeah,â but autocorrect changed it to âhell yearâ because even our phones know.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?