Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn