Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies