I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”