I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
You Might Also Like
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I am, perchance
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.