I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
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Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.