Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.