[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops