[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
