[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
i wish we could shoplift online
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
A decision was made here.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo