[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly