Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

Ghost costume 😂

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.