I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
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Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
man i love columbo
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
