@QwertyJones3

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

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@fightgeek

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

@justabloodygame

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

@Marlebean

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

@mojo_bones_

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

@UnFitz

We need boots on the ground.

What I mean is, get your goddam boots off the coffee table.

@kieransofar

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

@HatfieldAnne

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

@nbadag

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

@MomOfTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@Tommytoughstuff

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.