I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
You Might Also Like
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
LMAO
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad