I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
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Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.