Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

🤣

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now