Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

These dogs look like they have good credit.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

😂

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.