I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
#SCOTUS one-star review
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
no such thing as a dumb question
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
rapatouille
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music