Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

those birds must be on payroll

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

also my go-to takeaway order