Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.