Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included