I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
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DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
🧠
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.