Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups