Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”