Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance