i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
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What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?