Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

We’ve come full circle

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

Oh hi lol

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

my favorite genre of twitter

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

🤣😂🤣😂

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.