Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”