Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

Whoa 😂

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.