Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

Why are bridges so flammable.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.