I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
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Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
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Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I want this so bad
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When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜![]()
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.