Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

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-Octopus preparing for a fight

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.