I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Social Media and Real life
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
