Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just witnessed a drug deal

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.