Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.