Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

my dog when i have a friend over

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

Never let them know your next move 😂

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?