Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.