Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Owl Sanctuary

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

This cat wants you to take your pills

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.