I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”