I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.