I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
All set.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably