Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.