I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.