Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.