I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Easy enough.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out