I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
adam and eve had first world problems
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.