I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
weddings should have a worst man
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them