Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Roombas should bark

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!