I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
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I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
LMAO
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!