Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

Monday Lisa

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

new wife guy just dropped

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”