I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
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[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT