Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Shortcut

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.