I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
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Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno