Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cha-ching is my safe word

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.