I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I think I’m gonna be sick
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
old twitter is back baby
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.