Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.