Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

ㅤ

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!