Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT