Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”