Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.