I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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