I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
You Might Also Like
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that