Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.