I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
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If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.