Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

The booster protects against what, now?

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

The first one, obviously

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.