I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
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Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.