I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me