Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

dark side of the loom

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.