‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Love it! 👍😂
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates