‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
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Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
