‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Does your wife know you’re single?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch