Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

Selfie

😅🤣😂

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread