Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Today’s tshirt

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

me linking you to my twitter

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.