Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

When you “pspspsp” too hard

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

stand with me against insufficient seating

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!