I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please