Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#polloftheday

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

#IWishIHadNever noticed

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay