Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

How to cook crack and clean a crab.

Step 1 – use commas

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.