Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)