“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
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this was the best i’ve ever seen
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.