“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
new wife guy just dropped
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?